i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
