the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
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I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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