he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
