How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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