If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
