shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
