this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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