i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
