Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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