I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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