Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
