I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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