the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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