; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
