At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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