census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
