pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
