Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
