I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
