i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
