im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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