I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
