official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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