i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There r osticjed everywhere
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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