omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
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