Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
