your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
