Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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