I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
