his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
