He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
