Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
