3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Randomize
