I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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