in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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