im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
