When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
