I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Randomize
