she looked like the bat from fern gully.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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