I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
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