WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
