I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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