well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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