It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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