random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
