she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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