Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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