the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
