I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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