Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
oh god the rape fog is back!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
