Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
