Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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