She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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