So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
