Welp...herpes.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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