I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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