never play flip cup with pint glasses
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
