I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
