i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We left an ass print on the piano.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
