Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
