I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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